I recently startedWithout A Labelas an outlet for me to pour my heart and soul into. I often blog about how I have dealt with or overcome many obstacles in my life like eating disorders, abuse, severe depression, bipolar disorder, PTSD, OCD, ADHD, fibromyalgia, RA, and panic disorder. I would like to say that my blog is a source of inspiration for those that may be struggling with the cards they have been dealt in life. Possibly some of you out there deal with these things or know someone who does. That is why I wanted to start this site, to help those like myself.
Some Basic Information About Me-
Born Kimberly Lyann Hearn May 8, 1980 in Houston, TX. I was blessed with a wonderful loving mother and a rotten, abusive biological father. By the time I was three my parents divorced and parted ways. I cannot say that I had the worst childhood but I can say things could have been better, little did I know that a miracle was about to take place. Once my Mother left my Biological Father and was fully divorced she began dating a man named Ronald McPherson. After a few dates they knew they were meant for each other so my Mother introduced him to my older brother and me. Within a year of knowing this man he decided he wanted marry my Mother and adopt my brother and I. I was so excited and am still so thankful for the adoption because, to me, it gave me another chance to have a better Father, in essence an upgrade. The process took place and ever since I have called him my Father. Once my parents were married my little sister came into the picture. God knew what he was doing when he created my family because we even look alike. I am so grateful for my Father and I thank God daily for giving me such amazing parents. It just goes to show you that you do not have to be blood related to be a family. I am living proof that nurture can overcome nature!
Growing up I always looked up to my “step father” (Ronald McPherson) as my real father. I have been completely blessed in the family department. If it wasn’t for my wonderful parents and a village of angels I would not be here today. I cannot say life was perfect because I was often very misunderstood. My parents way of dealing with my issues was and is to say “you need to just get over it” or (my favorite) “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with your life.” I guess that just goes to show you that unless you personally deal with these things you will not get it. I am not saying that my parents and siblings are bad people, because they are wonderful, it is just that they do not understand and compassion is not their strong suit.
In 1984 we moved to the Woodlands, my name was officially changed to Kimberly Lyann McPherson, and my family and I have lived here ever since; of course I have ventured out of the nest to various areas but I always come back to what I know and that is The Woodlands. During my developmental years my life revolved around ballet, gymnastics, cheer leading and drill team. I went to public school in the Woodlands and Graduated with honors from The Woodlands High school in 1998. I had a severe eating disorder during Jr. High and High school and it was only with lots of help and by the grace of God that I was able to graduate from high school. It’s not that I wasn’t bright it was more that I physically could not make it a whole day at school and dance. When everyone first got notice of my eating disorder I was taken out of dance, but it didn’t help I was too far gone. The disease had its ugly grip on me tight and I was spinning out of control.
With the help of many precious angels and teachers I made it to Graduation. During that time I wanted, so bad, to go to college but unfortunately (and fortunately) I had to go to get help. The first few places didn’t work but Remuda Ranch finally stepped in, saved my life, and brought me back to reality. I have been eating disorder free since January of 1999! Life after Remuda was tough getting used to but worth it. I slipped many times but God always picked me up, dusted me off, and set me back on track. I did continue to go to a local college with hopes of graduating from Rice University or somewhere cool like that . I realistically only acquired a couple years at community college but I will never give up on the hopes of graduating from a “real” college with a “real” degree. I think if I was to go back and further my education I would like to continue to study psychology because that is what intrigues me the most. If you could get a degree from life experience I would definitely have a doctorate by now. Neurology, physiology, the arts, and writing are other interests I would like to explore scholastically. The main reasons for me to attain some credits in writing would obviously be to help me with my writing and also help me where I need it the most, in the editing department. For now I’m happy studying things on my own, writing and learning as many lessons as possible every day; I know I’ll be back in the classroom before too long.
God has shown me time and time again that He comes first and He is in control, not me. I find that I sometimes have a daily struggle with trying to take back control from God, but I always learn in some way or another that I am not the one in charge, He is! I would like to live my life as an example for Christ! I am so completely imperfect and a horrible sinner, yet Jesus still died on the cross for me so that I may be clean. I thank God daily for sending Jesus for all of us because I know how much I need it. Without God I Would not be here! Yes, I know it all sounds too good to be true but I’m being completely honest when I say that God has saved my life. Call me what you wish, it will not change the fact that I am a child of God. It was the peaceful angels of grace that comforted me during my hardest struggles and continue to watch over me from day to day. I can honestly say that I am a walking miracle! It is not my way but Yahweh!
A Brainstorm Of Who I Think I Am-
First and foremost, I am a reborn child of God and everything that is me belongs to Him. I cannot take credit for the miracles that made me who I am today. These miracles are the reason why my faith in God is so strong. Because God has spared my life time and time again, even though I didn’t deserve it, is why I am the way I am today. In the times when the devil’s claws had a grip on my heart and mind so strong is when I would later see how much the angels of God would warrior on to carry me through. I am so much stronger now because of it. I now see that the tests of time have strengthened me to a point where I can now talk freely about my past without freaking out because it is what it is, or should I say He is what He is? He is grace, mercy, strength, compassion, endurance, wisdom, empathy, love, hope, joy, peace, and freedom all wrapped in one package and I love Him. I owe everything I am to Him. I now know it’s not my way it is Yahweh!
I have been tagged with many labels when it comes to my brain: ADHD, Bipolar disorder, panic disorder, severe depression, dyslexia, PTSD, and OCD to name a few. I don’t always agree with the doctors on these so I make sure and do the research and tests to make sure I qualify before even getting a second opinion. Once I get a second opinion I then search for the BEST doctors to help me in my journey of “living with a label”.
The labels I live with that relate to the body are another story. I have been told too many things to count so the things that I can think of at this moment that I have the trouble with the most are: hyponatremia, hypothyroidism, tachycardia, severe PMDD (I don’t know how much that plays a part in my moods and bipolar but it’s there because I can tell a huge difference in the way I feel around the clock of my cycle), Carpal tunnel and cubital tunnel, reconstruction of the left ankle, neck surgery (fell off horse, broke my neck and hit my head so hard my ears rang for weeks after), pituitary adenoma (from hitting my head so hard), GERD and Esophageal spasms (from eating disorder), gallbladder, tonsil, adenoid removal, sinus drilling, sphincter Oddi dysfunction, broken hand, torn mcl, cardio syncope, fibromyalgia, RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis) and much, much more ( this is just the tip of the iceberg and all in the past few years). Always with these things I get a second opinion and research my doctors before ever having a procedure or taking a medication. Holy Crap! When I look back at this list, first, I cannot believe I wrote it all out because that is a lot of personal information, Second, I look like a big fat whiny baby! Oh woe is me, boo-hoo look how bad I have it. No, no way! I totally understand how great I have it and how blessed I am. I just was on a roll and figured hey why not write em’ all down. Believe me when I say I DO NOT want to live in my past or by these labels. By the grace of God I am able to shed these labels!
I hate having to live life out of a medicine cabinet however, when you have as much as I do going on you begin to be thankful that there is medication for the things you suffer from.
When you realize the positive outcomes outweigh the side effects is when you recognize you probably should take your medicine. Knowing that a few pills can make the difference between life and death along with allowing me to be a functioning member of society is when I know I would rather baptize a few pills than have to fight even harder to stay sane and alive. I know me on my medication and I know me off. I do not like the person I am when my medication is off or too low. I fizzle out and completely shut down. I begin to hate myself for absolutely nothing and I fully begin to believe that I am worthless. I am not me when I am like that and I hate it, therefore, I work diligently with my doctor to make sure I am on the best medication possible to ensure that I am the best me I can be.
Sometimes, I want to be everywhere and nowhere all at once but believe me when I say my heart is in it 100%. A lot of my journey has been me realizing that I need to give my heart, mind, body and soul to God to make my decisions. I am too fragile to try to do this thing called life alone. However, I cannot leave it all up to him; I still have to play my part. Much of my time has been spent getting to know the real me. I am figuring out that the more learn to like myself the smoother things go. If I can take me for me (flaws and all) then it’s easier for me to think that someone (God) could love me unconditionally. After all he did make me in his image. I have battled the thought that this could be an impossible for too long and I am finished thinking this way. Yes, I will fight the urge to say I’m nothing at times, from this moment on I will combat a negative declaration with a statement that is positive and true. I am a child of God and I AM created in his image therefore, I am beautifully and wonderfully made!
If I don’t fight back the evil wins and the pain and anguish return again. I never want to feel trapped in pit of despair so deep where I want to die like I have in my past. I have overcome some amazing obstacles and I thank God for saving my life so many times. I want to continue to knock down the walls that keep me from achieving the goals that God has set for my life. I owe all that I am to God and my journey through the battlefield called life. In so many ways God has broken me, molded, reshaped, and rekindled me in order to refine who I am. I am so thankful for the lessons I have learned for they have made me wiser, graceful, openhearted, kinder, more patient, more chill and relaxed (sometimes), able to endure pain, multi-task, organize, accomplish more, help others (and hopefully help more as my journey progresses), withstand pressure, smile more, have more confidence, resist negativity, have more fun , take better care of myself, enjoy life, stay in the moment, love harder yet smarter, pray at the drop of a hat, know it’s not all about me, look at the big picture, play hard, rest harder, reach for the stars, judge less, hug more, and to not take myself so seriously. The list could go on and on. I am just so thankful that I am still alive after what I’ve been through. I have survived eating disorders, numerous suicide attempts, Alcoholism, Drug Abuse, Sobriety, falling off a horse (breaking my neck and hitting my head), Deep depressions, sooo many labels, medicine interactions, and things that would blow your mind. I thank Jesus every day that I am still alive and that I can finally see the light because life is so much better now.
Why Am I Writing A Blog?
There are so many answers to that question. I started journaling during some of the most difficult times of my life and it allowed an out for me at the time. I have kept all of these journals and have been told by many different people of faith that I am to use these “journaling’s” to write a book. I honestly had no idea where to start with sorting through my old writings to pick and choose what entries I should use and what entries not to use until my neighbor and publishers suggested I start a blog and get some feedback. I looked into what I needed to do to accomplish this and realized it was relatively simple. I began working with someone to design my website and realized that this could be so much better than just a blog. This could be my life on a website. It’s a very scary thought for me to just place myself out in the open, wounds gaping open and all. This is a fear that I need to crush because I know God wants me to do this to help others that maybe struggling with issues I have overcome.
This website is basically about me but it’s also about you too because I need your feedback and want to hear your views. I also wanted to push myself farther than I ever have before. I want this blog to help me open up and share some of me with you. I want to force myself to write, so by doing this I become a better writer and person along the way. I am not a “professional” writer. I will make mistakes. I am not perfect. I am very dyslexic and ADHD, (not to make excuses) just to let you know. English/language was probably my worst subject growing up. I know I always passed but I’m not sure by how much. Please don’t judge me. Please realize I am human and will make mistakes. Maybe I should say that English is not my first language. If you would like a job as an editor and will work for free I am hiring now.
This is my own “startup blog”. I basically found a theme I liked and went from there. I have added plugins, ads, and all the things you see on all of the pages. I wanted to create this site to share with others that may be like me and some that are completely different. I wanted to make myself be open to the world and to take a full leap of faith that this site will prepare me for my future. I hate to say that I base the value of my website off of who reads it but it’s kind of true. I want to hear from everyone about what they think of anything and everything. I have a confession to make… I am usually a very private person. My disease can play tricks on me and can make me feel worthless and want to hide at times. I have been learning how to fight back and win against my bipolar. I have to make myself open to others because my natural instinct is to run and hide. I must fight because I am stronger than the lies my brain tells me and am worth it to not put myself down.
Blackberry, iPhone, Android, or Windows Phone: Windows Phone (Love it!)
Mac or PC-
Definitely a windows girl. I love the new tablet by Window’s and can’t wait to get my hands on one!
My hobbies include:
Working out, running, yoga, dancing (my favorite passion, however, this body can’t take much more dancing because I go hard core when I dance). Ballet, modern, hip-hop, and military are my fav’s. reading, horseback riding (Yes, I still ride after falling off and breaking my neck; I only ride safe horses, wear a helmet, and ALWAYS ride with a buddy), watching mindless TV, writing, spending time with family, spending time with friends, meeting new people, spending time with my beagle mix, Lucy, stretching, technology, making websites, studying anything that fascinates me (like the way the brain works when you have things like depression or bipolar). I love anything that takes figuring out; it’s like a workout for the mind! I figure I better use it before I lose it when it comes to both brain and body. Especially when it comes to my brain, I have such few “sharp” moments (especially with all the things that are somewhat “off kilter” with me). I learn to just go with it and know I can never ever give up.
For someone who doesn’t watch a lot of television I have A LOT of favorite shows. They include:
I LOVE the show swamp people on the history channel! I love all the characters on that show but my favorite I think is Bruce. You just know this guy thinks he’s sexy in his no shirt and overalls with a bandana tied around his shoulder length curls blowing in the wind. You can tell, just by looking at him, this guy is going to be famous one day! My other favorite on there is Liz. This woman was born to do that job. She can outhunt, out kill, and out tag (that’s lingo for getting the gators in the boat tied up, tagged, and moved to market) any man on that show. I have to also give my props to Troy because you can tell that he is just an all-around good guy. In the spirit of keeping it country Bayou Billionaires must be mentioned. This show comes on CMT and is hilarious. Now, I don’t know everyone’s names yet but the daughter that got the new teeth and her boyfriend that thinks he can catch fish with a net and a jet ski are funnier than all get out! When I first saw this the family was talking about how the one daughter (I think her name is Chantelle or something close to that) needed new teeth so bad because her old teeth were so UGLY they didn’t want to be with her in public! Finally, the cameras pan to her and she smiles and says, without opening her mouth, “I just love my new teeth” and her boyfriend is just sitting there shaking his head yes with a big grin on his face, I about fell out of my chair laughing! The next Redneck award would have to go to My Big Redneck Vacation. This is a show about a huge family of hillbillies with tons of money going on vacation to places like The Hamptons or New York City in a big rundown RV. If you haven’t checked this one out I highly suggest it
Another one of my favorite shows is Toddlers & Tiara’s. I have a fascination with psychologically dissecting and analyzing the mother daughter relationships and seeing just how crazy things can get. I do feel really bad for the poor little girls (brats) that really don’t want to do the pageants but are forced into this because their crazy mothers want it so dang bad they will live in poverty if necessary! It’s almost like they are trying to fill a void or something . It’s funny because it’s true! It’s also kind of sad when you see the parents pushing for perfection instead of pushing them to just do their best. You know some of these poor girls will grow up with some sort of complex. I started watching Toddlers & Tiara’s on YouTube and found another show called Little Miss Perfect. This one comes on the We channel. Even though I completely disagree with the name of the show it doesn’t matter because once I start watching I am hooked. It is very similar to Toddlers & Tiara’s but its differences are starting to make me like it better. The host/ creator of the show is all about having the glitz and glam but without the flipper (fake teeth for little kids), crazy spray tans, and crazy makeup. It’s hilarious because the guy actually sings a song to the little girls onstage; it’s awesome to see how awkward he can make a moment. The prime reason “they say” for creating the little miss perfect pageant is to “allow the little girls to come out of their shell and give them a chance for their personality to shine”. I like that they judge more on the personality (like 40% more) than the other pageants I’ve seen. However, it is a beauty pageant and I’m sorry but if you’re not pretty don’t enter. I know that’s mean in a way but it’s like any other sport in my eyes. If you’re not cut out for the part, don’t play the game. I could go on for hours on these shows and am a little embarrassed that I know so much about them!
My other favorite TV shows include but not limited to: The Real Housewives of Atlanta, New Jersey, New York, Beverly Hills, and California. The California one is starting to harsh my buzz though so I’m thinking of cutting it out. Thought about it and yep, California is out. Come to think of it they are all kind of pushing it in my eyes. I think I liked them better in the beginning because I didn’t know them very well. Now that I’m starting to really figure them out I like them less and less with every episode.
It’s a Brad Brad World, Watch what happens live (love me some Andy Cohen). The new artist show on Bravo, Chris March, and Bethany ever after, basically anything on bravo will do.
I love any and all reality TV. Project Runway, Wife Swap, Hoarders, Impractical Jokers, Wipe-out, and Celebrity Apprentice, whatever, it all makes me realize just how great I have it and it gives me another world to focus on for an hour or so. Mike and Molly, Shameless, Big Bang Theory (I love me some Sheldon), Californication, House of Lies, The Closer, Family Guy, Nurse Jackie, United States of Tara (so sad they were cancelled), The Big C, Weeds, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, 30 Rock, Parks & Rec, Up All Night, Parenthood, Are You There Chelsea?, Person of interest, New Girl, Revenge, and Hot in Cleveland, just to name a few.
Music: Reba McEntire, Lady Gaga, Madonna, AWOLnation, Martina McBride, Katy Perry, Beyonce, Cher (yes I like Cher), Mercy Me, Mary Mary, Any symphony music (Beethoven is my absolute favorite), Christina Aguilera, Barbara Streisand, Frank Sinatra, The Beetles, ABBA (don’t judge), One Republic, Maroon 5, Rob Thomas, Jewel, All 80′s music, most 90′s artist, Sarah Barellies, Christina Perri, Elie Golding, Bruno Mars, Metallica, Mary J. Blige, Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, Dolly Parton, Carrie Underwood, Most Musicals, Faith Hill, Disturbed, Nickleback, 2Pac, 3 Doors Down, AC/DC, Adele, Aerosmith, Alanis Morissette, Alicia Keys, The Allman Brothers Band, Widespread Panic, Tori Amos, Amy Winehouse, Anna Nalick, Annie Lennox, Audioslave, Beastie Boys, Ben Harper, Bette Middler, Billy Joel, Elton John, The Black Crowes, The Black Eye Peas, Fergie, The Black Keyes, Blue October, Bob Dylan, Bob Marley, Bone Thugs-n-harmony, Carly Simon, Céline Dion, Chamillionaire, Ciara, Coldplay, Phil Collins, Coolio, Counting Crows, Cypress Hill, Dave Matthews Band, David Byrne, Brian Eno, David Gray, DC Talk, Delirious?, The Derek Trucks Band, Dixie Chicks, Dr. Dre, Dropkick Murphy’s, Flogging Molly, Eminem, Enrique Iglesias, Evanescence, Eve 6, Fleetwood Mac, Gin Wigmore, Ginny Owens, Gossip, Gov’t Mule, Guns N’ Roses, Gwen Stefani, Incubus, Infinity’s twin, Irma Thomas, Joss Stone, Jaci Velazquez, James Blunt, James Taylor, Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson, J. Lo, Jet, John Mayer, Johnny Cash, Kanye West, Taylor Swift, Kathy Triccoli, The Killers, KT Tunstall, Lauren Hill, Lenny Kravitz, Leona Lewis, Live, LL Cool J, The Longing, Ludacris, Nicki Minaj, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Matchbox 20, Meatloaf (don’t laugh, okay you can a little bit), Melissa Ethridge, Tina Turner, Michael Bublé, Missy Elliott, Modest Mouse, Mötley Crüe, Nas, Natasha Bedingfield, Pink, Pink Floyd, Neil Diamond (he he), Nelly, Nelly Furtado, Nichole Nordeman, Nicole C. Mullen, Nine inch Nails, Nirvana, No Doubt, The Notorious B.I.G., O.A.R., OutKast, Ozzy Osborne, Panic! At The Disco, Pat Benatar, Patsy Cline, Patty Loveless, Pearl Jam, Pharrell, Phish, Prince, The Procussions, Puddle Of Mud, Queen, Rage Against the Machine, Bush, Randy Travis, Ray Charles, REO Speedwagon, Rhianna, Robby Williams, The Rolling Stones, The Roots, Rush, Sam &Dave, Sarah McLachlan, Shakira, Sheryl Crow, Sir Mix-A-Lot, Slipknot, Snoop Dogg, Spin Doctors, Stained, Stevie Nicks, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Stevie Wonder, Sting, S.T.P., Sublime, Susan Tedeschi, SWV, System of A Down, T.I., Thin Lizzy, Third Day, Third Eye Blind, Three Days Grace, The Time, Tool, Tracy Chapman, Train, A Tribe Called Quest, U2, Usher, Van Halen, Vanessa Carlton, War, Watermark, The White Stripes, The Who, Willie Nelson, Wu-Tang-Clan, Wyclef Jean, Ying Yang Twins, ZZ Top, and so much more. I own a plethora of music and it stays on constantly. I live blasting it in the car and singing at the top of my lungs (even if I’m a little off). If you see me driving down the road chances are I’m belting out some tune. At home I love getting lost in some playlist mix of various tunes. I adore listening to the music and allowing my body to flow wherever it goes. I constantly get lost in some sort of dance move or new choreography at times when I really should be writing. I am a dancer at heart and you can never remove the melody that moves me.
Oh My Gosh, I could go on forever but here are my super favorites; The Wizard of Oz, Steel Magnolias (love, love, love), I love All Disney/Pixar movies (Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, The Little Mermaid, Peter Pan, Toy story(all of them), Snow White, Up, Finding Nemo, Cars, and Tangled are my super Favorites) All Audrey Hepburn movies (Breakfast at Tiffany’s is my ultimate fav) All that heaven allows, Pretty much any old movies, The Proposal, Secretariat, Baby Mama, Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion, Bridesmaids, The Other Sister, Working Girl, Anything with Molly Ringwald, Anything 80′s, All Broken Lizard productions, All Adam Sandler movies, I’ll watch anything funny at least once. I love all movies except for horror flicks because I can have a panic attack at home for free.
The Bible (especially my new King James Version Spirit Filled Life study Bible for students (cliche’ cliche’)). Lately I’ve been doing a lot of reading about blogging and the best books I have found are: Professional Blogging for Dummies, The Huffington Post complete guide to BLOGGING, and Problogger 2nd edition. I prefer to read blogs most of the time. Some books I have found helpful for working toward publishing are Fearless Confessions a writers guide to Memoir and the Complete Idiots Guide to Getting Published. Random books I’ve read in the past few years and liked are Shelter from the storm, Bondage to Bonding escaping codependency embracing biblical love, The Secret, Secrets to the Soul, Tyranny of the Urgent, Eat Pray Love, The Help, Appointment with Dishonor, Footprints, One Month to Live, 23 Minutes in Hell, And the Angels were Silent, Six Hours One Friday, No Wonder They Call Him The Savior, The Prayer of Jabez, The Power of Positive Praying, How Doctors Think, How do you think, An Unquiet Mind, It’s not About Me, The Beloved Disciple, Bible Prophecy, 119 Most Frequently asked Questions, Wonderful names of our Wonderful Lord, C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity (one of my favorites), Outrageous Joy, Next Door Savior, Amazing Grace, Set Apart, A Purpose Driven Life, and so many more that I can’t remember because I packed them up and put them in the attic (no more room in the inn).